Here We Go!

New Beginnings

2008-01-26T05:50:00.000+08:00

We went home for the holidays. It's funny how I still refer to Manila as home. I have been in the US for almost a year now and yet there seems to be always a part of me that's missing "home". It's more than having the maids and the family drivers around. I guess coming from such a small family such a yearning to be with them all the time is hard to get over. Despite the craziness of running a family-owned company and a personal one back home, there was always a quiet fulfillment there. I can't seem to explain it. My days here since we got back have been spent mainly by brooding over our future... more for Lucas actually. Sometimes being on a steady and predictable course causes internal chaos for me, I guess. I still have much to accomplish but this time not for me but for my son.

Turning 28!

2007-09-22T06:43:00.000+08:00

I almost cried today as I entered the classroom after visiting Luc in the infant room. My co-teacher and the kids prepared a surprise party for me. If I wasn't worried about messing up my make-up I would be bawling. I never really had a surprise party thrown for me. It would be normally me who would arrange things like that for other people and not the other way around. The kids were so adorable as they woke up a few minutes earlier than scheduled to stage the event. They gorged down the birthday cake like there was no tom. I wish the parents luck on the sugar rush this very moment. . Lucas too greeted me by peeing on me as soon as I changed his diaper. His way of saying " God bless you mommy." Great anak thank you .

Vincent kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday and for the first time I really do not need anything at all... except for porkchops pinoy style!!!! I want the fat all burned and crispy. Gimme the cholesterol! Yummy in my tummy as my kids would say.

On the way home I told Vincent that I want to run for office or be elected to some government position...He asked me if I would be corrupt... I said yah maybe BUT I wouldn't be as greedy... hehehe.. so much for graduating from a christian university.

As I bid being 27 good bye I have learned that...

1. Giving birth is nothing compared to the pain of recovery
2. Post partum is NOT a figment of ones imagination
3. One should not eat for 4 people when pregnant.. doing so will give you enough fat to keep
you afloat when you swim after you give birth...
4. Just when you thought your feet were too big.. trust me they get bigger after you have a
baby. (the boobs I welcome but the feet thing is just way too much)
5. Love your maids. You do not know what you've got till its gone.
6. No matter how tired you are or how bad you want to go back to sleep... when your baby cries you have this magical energy to be there for him.
7. I cannot stand the smell of my own son's poo. It smells like horsesh*t. hehe and it looks like mashed spinach This is why I love vincent so much... he can take it.
8. Patience is something that can be learned.
9. You should never let yourself go. Do not leave the house looking like a shrimp in sweats. ( I am not sure how they look like.. I just like the metaphor :P )
10. I am not a "country girl"... I need the noise and the polluted city
11. Being healthy is not something to take for granted
12. I do not have a green thumb. I have driven every plant in our house to extinction.
Vincent revives them.
13. I am a library groupie.
14. I should not wear white to the preschool. They are magnets to watercolor and marker
stains.
15. Gravity falls in love with you more as you get older.
16. Money will come.
17. You will always need a good doctor, a great friend and an even better mani/pedi person
18. Your shoulder bag gets bigger as your family grows.
19. My voice has no hope of going an octave higher. I simply wasn't meant to be a singer.
20. Your husband will be your best friend and the best shoulder to cry on. He will be the
best giver of hugs and the worst farter of them all. His every "flaw" will be another reason to love him more.
21. Yes, I am getting old.
22. Age is just a number. As long as I can still skip, hop, touch my toes and play a kick ass daytona game then I am fine.
23. I hate washing the dishes. I will rather clean the toilet and scrub the floors than wash the dishes.
24. One should still spoil themselves whenever they have a chance to.
25. Someone is always watching... so don't pick your nose!
26. Knowledge is still meant to be shared... and you cannot share what you do not know so keep on learning.
27. Life just gets better

Life On Peachtree

2007-09-02T07:13:00.000+08:00

I went back to work already. I still handle the same class with the same co-teacher. The students are still the same -- all very funny and so silly. I had one of my four year olds openly announce during circle time (not that anyone asked) that her parents made her in China. We had to quickly change the topic lest we spend time explaining to the 12 other puzzled faced 4 year olds what that meant. Talk about over sharing. We now share a tight bond :p

Anyway, Lucas has been planted in the infants room beside my class. We are separated by a little glass window. I peer though it once in awhile and get a thumbs up or a thumbs down signal from the infant teachers on how Lucas is doing. There is an adorable girl in his room who crawls up to Lucas while he sleeps on his swing (he hates the crib-- even his crib in our home... so at 5 am sharp he cries till he is transfered in between Vince and I) and screams bloody murder until he wakes up. She then crawls back to her spot in the room statisfied. Why she does it? Beats me. It reminds me of my sister. She would wake me up and make sure I stay awake until she falls asleep. She turns me into her night shift ghost guard of sorts.

Jumping along updates here... Lucas has a tooth! I freaked out. Way too early but nonethelss the tooth has arrived (drumroll please). No wonder he has been drooling like a starved madman and fist sucking. Fingers somehow do not satisfy him. He stuffs his whole fist in his mouth and after a few minutes starts gagging then he takes it out and the whole cycle repeats itself. Make you wonder whatever happened to classical conditing.

The Best Tomato Bruschetta

2007-07-21T04:16:00.000+08:00

After almost a month and a half of being a housewife again, I decided to get my bum back into the kitchen and start cooking. After all, the food my parents and Vincent's mom pre-cooked and froze for our convenience are long gone. I just have to share with you the Bruschetta recipe that kept me snacking all night long...

Double Tomato Bruschetta

3 Roma Tomatoes, Chopped ( I just used the tomatoes we had growing in our backyard)

1/4 cup sun-dried tomatoes (with oil)
2 cloves of garlic
2 tsb of olive oil
1 tsb balsamic vinegar
2 tsb fresh basil
1/8 tsp salt
1/8 tsp ground black pepper
French baguette
1 cup shreddred mozzarella

Honestly I did not follow it to a T. I merely eyeballed the stuff. Anyway just mix everything together except the baguette and the cheese. Let the mixture sit for 5 minutes. Place the mixture on the slices of bread then top it with the mozzarella cheese. Broil in the oven for 5 minutes or until the cheese melts. Happy Eating!

Lucas is 1 Month Old!

2007-07-06T00:10:00.000+08:00

As i type this entry Lucas has managed to squeeze in between my armpit and ribcage. He has started to imitate the the gurgling sounds of the washing machine. I am praning. Have I not been talking to him enough that he has resulted to mimicking the sounds of the washing machine? Anyway, he is a month old today. His achievements? Pooping at the right time (90% at least) when Vince gets home and before he leaves for work... It gives me an excuse to skip the worst time to be on diaper duty. He has also managed to smile while looking at us. Normally, he smiles in his sleep and as soon as he opens his eyes and sees his eager parents looking at him he frowns and resumes looking like Yoda. He has discovered his hands too! They are now part of the his food group.

Wedding Pictures

2007-03-25T09:59:00.000+08:00

I was able to load already the wedding pictures in my multiply account! Check it out :D

Multiply Account

2007-03-22T00:35:00.000+08:00

I have no idea how to link entries yet between my multiply account and my blog so for the meantime just check on the Multiply account... user name: caroline55 :) Besides it is waaaay more convenient to use :)

Death by Cling Wrap and Other Housewife Kwentos

2007-03-02T02:01:00.000+08:00

Another uneventful day was about to pass... I guess the higher being heard my whinnings and gave me something to really cry about. I cut myself while trying to rip a piece of cling wrap to cover left overs. Bummer sobra. Now I have to put on gloves to cook and clean because somehow the wound just keeps opening up. Grrr.

I should be happy though. I was chatting with a friend in San Fo who is ready to kill the loitering ducks around her office (I have no idea what they are doing there). They hiss at her every morning as she goes to work. In her words they are suplado ducks. Sometimes she gets lucky and they just stick out their tongues at her and let her off easily. Other days aside from the hissing they decide they need the exercise and chase her. At least my battles are with inanimate objects so as soon as they are back in the drawers they pose no threat.

Our home is shaping up. Vince has almost installed everything that needs to be drilled to the wall. He has officially become a wonderful handyman. I am having him paint the two side tables this weekend as his final exam. I am excited to post before and after pictures soon.

I still get homesick once in awhile. I feel this strongly when I am being unproductive and in a bengbengklengkelng mood...which is from the time V leaves till he gets back home. I cook to fight it. Sometimes, I feel that if I don't stop myslef I will end up with a month's worth of cooked food ready for nuking. It is weird ( I think I have said it before). The transition is so drastic. From the mundane stuff (clothes, trips to the parlor, hanging out with friends) to the more profound ones (work to death, being productive, fulfilling Abraham Maslow's Highest needs) the change was fast. Its like having someone pull the rug from underneath your feet that you end up on the floor.. eyes glued on the ceiling as you try to piece together what has happened. It doesn't help that for like 9 hours or so I am all alone with my thoughts. My voicebox has never been so rested. Maybe if I had someone here with me it wouldn't be as hard... someone like our housemaid.. I knew I should have smuggled her with me..hehe.

By the way.. I posted pics from our Chinese wedding (unpregnant me) Church wedding (uber pregant me) hopefully I will remember to ask vince to link everything for you guys to see yourselves there!

From the Suburbs with Love

2007-02-22T03:50:00.000+08:00

I am officially a homemaker. I have so much respect now for all the stay at home moms out there. It is a full time job. My module making has taken a backseat to cooking, cleaning and organizing I have to do at our new home. I kid about it alot with my friends who I catch online. I am a DH with a Masters Degree. The thing is I never really envisioned my life to be a routine but by the looks of it, it is getting there. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. After all there are people out there so obsessive-compulsive who will literally shrivel up and die without a routine... so who knows maybe thats what I need? (NOT!..hehe) We will see.

Gone are the days when I google business ideas... now i google ways to fold a shirt! Hey its not as bad -- check this link I stumbled on:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776825453418327083

Sorry i am still not as techie as i want to be... so copy and paste in the window nalang to view :)

There is not much stories to tell. My life has been pretty steady since I got here. So looks like the next entries will be on how to decorate your homes and how to clean bathrooms..hehe. God Forbid. I think 1 Martha Stewart is enough. I want my balls of steel to grow back soon!

My New Road

2007-02-06T16:08:00.000+08:00

After much tears and painful good byes I am already here at the lounge at the Taiwan airport. Infront of me is a game room where my husband is playing some game on the xbox care of eva air. I on the other hand opted to do more of a Caroline thing -- stay in a corner and write. It was hard for me to say good bye to my parents. I realized that no matter how much I complained about their mumuness and weird ways I have always depended on them for support. Somehow knowing that I can always come home to them or they were just a bedroom away always gave me that comfort I needed. I choked on my tears several times. I still get teary eyed as reality starts to sink in that I have officially moved out and become a Diaz. Mom called to tell me that dad cried when I left that sent tears flowing like crazy. For those of you who know my dad and how Neanderthal he is you can imagine how moved I was when I heard it. Hugging my sister too as she dropped my off the airport and saying our good byes and till thens made my heart sank. I wish I could be two places at the same time you know? Its hard. I never really imagined moving out for good. Of course there were times when I would go bonkers and leave the house for a month or so but I always came back or at least made my presence felt (even if it was just letting the maid still do my laundry).

I don't know how my husband did it. I guess I found my Achilles' heel - my family. Junjun calls it codependence. I dont know. There is a thin line between the addiction of codependence and love coupled with the need to make sure that your family is okay.

2007-02-01T13:38:00.000+08:00

Photo courtesy of BEER BOY :) Thanks Jan!

We finally are no longer living in sin... as Vince's lola would say. In the eyes of the court and church we are married. It was a crazy day. My tears kept on flowing. I specifically reminded myself not to cry because the make-up artist's fee was a killer plus it was already bad that I looked like Moby Dick in a dress. The reminders did not work. Waiting in the limo, tears were already rushing out as soon as I saw my entourage lining up and my firends entering the church. Walking down the aisle with my parents was crazy as well. I kept forcing a smile thinking that it would stop my sipon from coming out! Boy was I wrong. Let me say thank you to my husband for bringing a hanky (the same one I cried on years back). It saved me from serious embarassment! :P

Will post more kwentos about the wedding soon... and pictures as well. As you know, due to my wonderful chinese heritage I am back at work full time with my husband..... no free time yet!

Updates!

2007-01-18T00:15:00.000+08:00

I am alive and so is my baby. It has been moving as if it had 10 espresso shots every single night. My baby is a boy by the way so to all you out there wanting to adopt or match your kid to my baby should it turn out to be a girl.. I am so sorry. :) Haha. The baby to quote the doctor's words is "a long baby" not fat take note but "long" I never thought you can actually use that word to describe a human being.

More updates, I disappeared I know! My husband arrived and weve been well...stuck with each other running all the last minute church wedding preps. The only time he wasn't with me was when he wanted to go rowing with my friend Jay at 530 am. This turned out to be a crazy day. He woke up at 430 which in turn woke me up. He got ready just like a little boy on his first day of school (all color coordinated with his backback) . 5 am we were outside of the house (I was still in my pjs and my soul still fast asleep). Jay passed by with Vic and my husband hopped in all excited. I went back to sleep. At around 8 am he woke me up. I saw him standing at end of the bed with two cottonballs taped on both sides of his arms. I thought it was one of his crazy pranks. Guess what.. my poor baby didn't even get to step foot in the boat. He slipped and a rock that jutted out somewhere in Manila Bay gave him a really bad cut on the foot. Jay had to bring rush him to the emergency room. (Jay thought he stepped on red paint at first thats how bad it was and Vince did not even feel pain yet at this point) After two tetanus shots and 5 stiches they took him home and there he was looking at me with his beautiful brown puppy eyes...poor baby boy :(

I will continue this tomorrow. Vince is fast asleep (as usual) and I still have to watch my daily dose of TV. Rabbit Out!

Happy Note!

2007-01-11T18:41:00.000+08:00

Months turn into weeks... weeks turn into days... Now I count the hours.. the minutes. My husband is home!

My Favorite Poems

2006-12-30T10:39:00.001+08:00

Very few poems catch my fancy let me share them with you...

Desiderata

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE AND THE HASTE, AND REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they, too, have their story.Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater or lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in you own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you for what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere live is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, 1927

Note: This poem my ex business partner loved so much. Too bad practicing it though was another story :)

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shatteredand the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my armsI kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her.

To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all.

In the distance someone is singing.

In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's.

Like my kisses before.

Her voice.

Her bright body.

Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms

my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

Note: I cannot remember if i ws the first one to discover this poem before it was sent to me by an old friend for obvious reasons (if you read the poem) but nevertheless I have to say this is my favorite poem of them all. So much emotion.... you can actually hear Il Postino all over... *sigh*

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;It was never between you and them anyway

Kent M. Keith

Note: Contrary to public opinion, this poem wasn't written by Mother Teresa. I have the book of the author.... If you are a book worm like me I will lend it to you :)

Whats in a Name?

2006-12-29T13:22:00.000+08:00

In efforts to amuse myself once again, I have decided to search for the perfect baby's name. Although God knows how bad I want a baby boy I just have this weird feeling that we will be having a baby girl. I have the perfect name for a boy but for the girl -- it is harder to come up with one. I had to search this old website (for those of you expecting or not try it out!) for ideas. Here is the link: www.kabalarians.com

The Day Vinegar Became My Enemy

2006-12-26T20:27:00.000+08:00

After days of being a normal family the pendulum once again swings the other way. Mom over some silly argument about using ginger with her vinegar instead of chilies caused a raucous display of behavior. She grabbed her plate and ate on the floor. She while saying that we force her to act like a dog and swallow our low standards. To get her point across even futher she regurgitated her food. I apologize for those who are eating while reading this but this is turning out to be a rant blog. I lost my apetite completely. Imagine a very beautiful, hot 5'8 woman with better business sense than lucio tan and balls of the 10 strongest men you know degrading herself this way. Sick in the head right? If I were an outsider I'd simply shake my head. Unfortunately, she is my mom so it hurts. The pain though is not as bad as before. It is quite blunt and I am glad. Thank God for Wifi in the house. I can blog anywhere without having to listen to her do her crazy speech again. I knew it would be only days before she would go crazy. In the words on an old friend.. with matching exasperated action: "Why can't we all just get along?!"

Countdown

2006-12-22T18:40:00.000+08:00

The countdown begins...

4 days to go before Christmas
11 days before the start of the 2008
21 days before my husband goes home
38 days to go before my church wedding

Before I start my entry I have a little announcement to make: I haven't bought a single gift. My dear friends if you are reading this please bear with the aliping sagidgilid me as I live from pay check to paycheck for now. Don't worry I will pray that you get brownie points in heaven for your understanding this is better that anything material for now. Since I am not a devout catholic imagine the joy it will bring the heavens as a lost lamb comes back home -- the prayers will be a shoo in for sure :)

I got into an accident two days ago. For some strange reason I didn't even want to set foot in Makati. I had no choice though since my partner couldn't teach and my trainer was absent I had to take over our Korean English class. I was glad that the driver was around (unfortunately he was the smelly one but beggars can't be chosers -- mom beat me to my favorite driver Mang Luis I was stuck with Junel :P) Anyway, we were on Edsa and I was being my introverted self texting all the way when a bus rammed into the ass of our car not once but twice. I wanted to get out of the car and yell so loud that hopefully the soul of the idiot bus driver would fly out. I decided otherwise. I stayed in the car and tried to remain calm as the smelly one gave the bus driver a piece of his mind. We had to go to the police station afterwards. The scene wasn't nice. There was a happy rat running around and a cow-sized cockroach just posing on the walls. The bus driver said that they had no brakes the whole day. My God! Imagine that he was rushing to and fro EDSA without brakes! What a ....?!^^%)(*& Wait! that wasnt the best thing he said. He blamed us for being infront of him. If we weren't there according to him then he wouldn't have been able hit us.. uh logic please?! I nominate him for the Most **&^!! Person I have met the whole year.

Traffic sucks. It doesn't help even if you have a spankin car you are stuck with all the other kinds of vehicles out there. You are left to suffer. For the clutch drivers this is the time to work out those calf muscles. YEah! Stretch them now people. The traffic jam is a constant reminder that Christmas is round the corner and a million people are running around like headless chickens panic buying. The malls are making a killing and the poor motorists are dying. I hate Christmas. Whatever happened to Papa Jesus (hehe!)... Tis the reason for the season -- Kaching! Swipe the credit cards baby. Jay Leno read this letter of some 9 year old kid who write a litany of her wants and needs for christmas and in the end she said the same thing to Santa -- After you get me all of these things Santa let us not forget the reason for the season --The birthday of Jesus. ... um so why do we need to get the gifts then? :P

Let me revise that countdown...

4 days to go before traffic hell ends

11 days to go to forget about this miserable year

21 days to go before I dump all the unfinished wedding to dos on my husbands lap

38 days to go before I get to finally sleep during the priests sermon

On Stocks

2006-12-11T13:39:00.000+08:00

I wrote an entry about how to make money from stocks before but unfortunately my server decided to die on me before I got to post it... so here is what I remember from that entry...

I am no Warren Buffet. I only know so much about making money from stocks. The good thing about it is that my limited knowledege seems to be working well enough for me. An ex was into buying and selling stocks. Initially I had him handle my money and watched how he made it grow. When I decided to sell and saw the profit it made, I decided to do it on my own. I got an online stock trade account with BPI. Initially started with 5K as seed money. Gradually, I decided to grow balls of steel (hehe) and put whatever savings I had in. I set a return of 15% from my capital and the same percentage applied to my level of risk as well. This made it easier for me to decide to sell and blast those "what-if-it-gets better/worse-tmw" questions. As soon as my stock hit the 15% return I sold it no matter what the speculation was in the market at that time. I continued buying and selling. I studied the movement of the stocks in the past and present year using the graph available on the pse site. Trust me thats the only thing I understand. I have no clue what the stock terms are and what they mean. I check the numbers and thats the only thing that matters. Right now though everything is on hold. I have sold most of my stocks to pay off stuff for the wedding and my new business. I look forward to going back to it again soon after this financial bleeding stops (hehe). Nothing beats the thrill of seeing something give you more return than the normal bank investments. My dad calls it gambling. Gambling means one takes risks right? But with the rate of return of the bank investments this gambling seems to be far more worth it for me.

2006-12-10T21:31:00.000+08:00

"

bOred? Try it. Amuse yourself today.

mom

2006-12-04T14:20:00.000+08:00

Manic depressive: Manic depressive refers to mood swings from overly “high” (manic) to overly “low” (depressed). Another name for manic-depressive illness is bipolar disorder. This refers to a person’s mood alternating between “poles” of mania (highs) and depression (lows). Bipolar disorder is a brain disorder that causes unusual changes in the person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Manic-depressive illness or bipolar disorder affects both men and women. Although it can start at any age, it usually begins in late adolescence. Bipolar disorder is found among people of all ages, races, ethnic groups, and social classes. It appears to have a genetic link and tends to run in families. Unfortunately, in addition to affecting the sufferer’s life, this disease also has the potential to devastate the lives of the caregivers and those in the immediate family circle.

This is the condition of my mom. This coupled with a gambling addiction. Our family life has gone with her in her emotional roller coasters. From her feeling alone and misunderstood to wanting to die to actually attempting to killing herself on several occasions. I have been through hell and back. It started hitting rock bottom during college when I would be sleeping in the VIP section just waiting for her to either win enough or lose everything. I couldn't go home because my dad would send me back out to the Casino emphazing what an ingrate I am and that I should be helping out.. stuff like that. So there I would be asleep on the couch while she played all night. When she lost she would go nuts. She would try to get all the cash she could get her hands on -- sell the brand new car dad bought her, fight tooth and nail to have the bank manager relase money form an 'and' only account, hammer the safe and when we were stupid enough to leave the office cash lying around she would take that and burn it on the Baccarat table. I never knew how rich we were until the money was gone. You wouldn't guess how bad it was if you knew me during college. I was always the nutty one laughing at everything and anything. I am sure you know the story. We all have our skeletons in the closet. This was one skeleton though I didn't want in there anymore. There were times that I went crazy literally crying so hard to the point that laughter joined in the pain. It was like dipping your hand in scalding hot water at a certain point it feels cold already. I came home one time and she was just lying there. Blood was all over she slashed her wrists and she just watched the blood flow out. I think my brother was 9 years old. He too stood there like a deer in headlights. There was a time that I canceled her out from my life. I just simply labeled her as dead. This made it easier to contain what respect I still had for her. It was hard. My love and adoration for my mom was the greatest thing for me. Her life story is simply amazing (This one I shall blog about in another entry). At that moment though I knew I had to stop feeling. I don't know at what point it came crashing back. The tears just suddenly started to run again. I guess she stopped gambling and going crazy for awhile because of all the realizations she allegedly had, then I decided that it was safe for me to let her in again. Like all bipolars, depression is just few weeks away. She went back to the habit. We then went on an emotional coaster ride with her cycles once again.

The sob stories just continued on. The most recent one involved the driver and I rushing her to Makati Med to force charcoal down her stomach through a tube that entered her nose because she had OD on valiums and stilnox. I couldn't understand why she was so miserable. I couldn't find an explanation for her wanting to die when others are fighting so desperately to live. She always felt lonely, unloved, and unappreciated. She always had a reason to be not contented with her life and be sad and miserable. There are times when her "woe is me" speeches would literally feel like it was making my ears bleed. Why can't she see what others see when they look at her? Why can't she count the blessings that she has that other people would only dream about having? I keep forcing myself to think she is well. I keep wanting that to happen again. I guess I too have to do some accepting on my part... I have to accept the fact that she is sick. For almost 10 years, you'd think that acceptance is already flowing in me...Its harder I guess when its your mom that youre talking about.

Vincent

2006-12-03T20:44:00.000+08:00

A lot of wives have probably written about how great their husband is. Mine is just one more tale to add to the list...

My friends know me as the more creative one. Back in college when we had to come up with silly romatic surprises or gift ideas they would ask me for help. It came easy to me. In fact it was so easy that if my exes back then would compare the gifts and surprises I made for them it was no different from the other. No brainer. I had the pattern already, all I had to do was to change the players. The formula worked so I had no plans of altering it. This ended though when Vincent started courting me seriously. Somehow, the idea hamster in me stopped churning out the ideas. I couldn't figure out why, until tonight. Vincent took over that role. I have become his baby, princess and wife altogether.

For 8 long years, I kept pushing him aside. I guess inside me I knew that if I stopped running my crazy but exciting life would come to a close. The problem is Vincent was relentless. I was running hell yah! but he would be always be around and pop up at the right time and at the right place. He always had this calming effect on me and for a restless soul this was scary. I always felt that I didn't deserve someone so loving and honest -- not yet at least. My aura seemed to attract the crazy ones like myself so I didn't understand why he hung around that long. He put up with all my histrionic, sadistic, masochistic, psychotic and narcissitic behaviors. When I raised hell -- he smiled. When I would lash out, he would just be there patiently listening to my incoherent rantings. He was too perfectly nice to be with me. I felt that this brown-eyed boy would get his feelings trampled on by my sometimes mean and selfish self. This was the reason why I tried with all my might and prayed to all the Gods I knew to help him find someone else. Although, deep down in my heart I didn't want it to happen. They say the most silent and fervent prayers in your heart are the ones heard, so I guess Vincent stayed. He endured it all. I don't know how and why and till this day I ask him. This is always his reply -- " I love you." As simple as that. I never knew the power of those three words till Vincent came into my life. Now, I cannot imagine life without him. There are nights when I would curl up in bed and silently cry afraid to lose him. Sometimes, the longing to be with him superceeds the holes in our pockets as we rack up our phone bill. I want to grow old with him. For someone I was so scared to be with for the rest of my life, I cannot be without him anymore. Its funnny how this love story turned out. I am still adjusting to being called a Mrs. Diaz though and I am still stubborn about keeping my maiden name. My husband teases me about it. Maybe another 8 years? I hear round two :)

!

2006-12-02T10:14:00.000+08:00

In as much as I hate ranting... I cant work without exorcising demons first. I got into an argument with my mom over the damn sponsor list. Its already the first week of Decemeber and the invitations which I thought were ready to go to the printers have to pulled out again. Its hard enough that Vince and I have to work on our budget without asking money from Mom for Prides sake and at the same time compromise on what she wants and needs. I am seriously breaking my back here. Paws up in the air. This bunny is ready to go belly up soon. While most of the brides at this point are getting extreme pampering -- basically concentrating on how to be beautiful on their wedding day I am running around alone like a headless pimply chicken. I think I'll fall asleep during the priest's sermon. WDF.

My Mariage and I

2006-11-19T22:27:00.000+08:00

Had my trial make-up for the wedding today. I had to wash the gunk off right after since I wasn't really going to go anywhere. Also, to make the payment sulit, I am now posting it in my blog..hehehe.

I swear getting married is so expensive. May I be bold and just say that the church is making way to much already from their collections and then charging an extorbitant amount for using the place for just an hour... Will I be excommunicated after making this comment? :P They even had this wonderful idea just to make the blow on your pocket easier and put in the receipt -- "Thank you for your donation"

I want to put up my own religion! All i need is a place of worship, a couple of doctrins and the gift of gab (oh and a whole bunch of gullible people!)

updates!

2006-11-18T17:13:00.000+08:00

I stayed home today. My all day sickness decided to be on full blast. It was a blessing tough because its been awhile since I was able to enjoy idle time. I embedded myself in my bed and stared outside the window till about 4 and then decided to pry myself out. My friends have been great --taking turns taking me out the whole time since D left. I am such a louse hahahhaha. I guess it was so fear that my brains would rot since Id opt to do what I just did today to pass time.

Updates Updates! Johann and I closed the deal with the IELTS review. I now have a wonderful dilema now of how to finish a one month module this weekend. I work well under pressure that much I know -- but this is crazy. Hey! Whatever rakes in the cash right? We have a couple of leads for the center. I am keeping my toes, fingers and everything else I can cross crossed. I got to have something in return for this aching pain of not having D around... money will suffice(lots of it). So dear Lord, dont me shy now.. let it rain :D

My tummy is getting bigger. A couple of weeks back I was praying ( okay thinking since I dont really pray) for a drop dead gorgeous child. One that would make other parents sorry that theirs didnt turn out like mine (Am i mean??) but after the blood scare last night I just wish he/she would be born healthy and with all parts complete... Okay fine please add : not looking like a potato or an egg (since these are the things that I seem to be craving a lot for). Going back to the "tummy bigger" update... now I officially can fit into my materninty clothes. I have to let go of my lets-squeeze-into it slacks and other shirts I normally wore when I could still see a freakn waist. Now I look like a fat spider... A really fat spider. OOOhhh! The skin..my skin! The one I wasted my salary on for diamond peels is now ridden with pimples! They are having a grand time. I feel like I am playing that arcade game wherein you whack the moles that pop up. Unfortunately no facials until I give birth... which makes it even more tempting to pop them :P

Hopefully when I write again in this blog I will have more good news about the center and this thing called preganancy (hehe) in the meantime I have to earn.

DORY NOT!

2006-11-15T19:32:00.000+08:00

Do not be fooled by the grin. I stole the picture from D. It wasn't because I enjoyed the dive but I was so damn glad to be inhaling real air. This is the second time I went diving. The first time I made sure that the instructor was extremely hot so that if I croaked under water Id see a beautiful face (well a masked face-- beautiful nonetheless). This time however I had no choice. My heartbeat was racing so fast that it feel as if it will stop at one point or another. During the dive, I was so worried about puking because this gagging feeling the tube in my mouth was causing. Plus, for some strange reason i felt as if I was going to go belly up at one point or another. I was trying to look as equilibralized (i know there is no such word) as possible. My only consolation was that I knew I looked good in a diving suit! At least I didn't look like a silly lost seal! We saw a barracuda which I thought was a fake! (It wasn't moving) Idiot me. I thought my instructor wanted me to touch it! hahhaahaha. Let me put it this way -- if I did I'd be using my jaw to type this entry :P By the way, THAT thing on my forehead is a seaweed.. I didn't grow a mole :P

BB

2006-11-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

I have two major modules to finish for the training center and a long overdue manual to print. I can't seem to focus. I have to clear my head. I got to chat with my friend. She met with an ex of mine. This guy refused to settle down. Everytime I asked him the "where-is-this-relationship-going" question he would give a really vague answer. Answers like " lets take it a day at a time" to cringing so bad that I ended up feeling guilty and had to drop the question. There were days when I was brutal and would just ask him upfront if he thought I was the one. He would simply reply, "One day when I wake up I'll know". Now, I have been in that kind of relationship before. For five years I was led on ( admittedly I allowed it). I mean I have nothing against not wanting to settle down I respect that. Some men are simply not ready. However, if you know already that the girl is not the one you want to end up with then please let go right? Let go as soon as possble. Okay, back to the topic. They ended up talking about me. Of course what do you expect right? The nerve of the guy to say that he was ready and i was the one who bailed out! Egad. When? Where? Was I asleep when he discussed his bold move of finally getting himself ready? I have long burried the pain and all the love and whatever emotion that went along with this relationship. It's just that when my friend mentioned it I felt like taking my laptop with me to look for him and smash his head. Wait i'll share the exerpt:

singlebliss101: he said he wouldnt take anything back

singlebliss101: he said it was great and he loved u

lontoc55: dont make me cry mu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

singlebliss101: naku wag na at you're emotional

singlebliss101: he said he was ready to go the mile with u

lontoc55: wht go the mile???

singlebliss101: kaya lang di ka nakahintay

singlebliss101: he was ready to settle down daw

singlebliss101: etc etc

lontoc55: *** BLEEP*** NYA ! LIAR!

singlebliss101: well i told him

singlebliss101: i cant believe im hearing this from u

singlebliss101: i didnt think u wanted to settle down

singlebliss101: and he said well i am now

singlebliss101: and i just needed time

lontoc55: HUH?

singlebliss101: etc etc

lontoc55: waddah??

lontoc55: mu!

lontoc55: whats up

lontoc55: HUH?

singlebliss101: but things got bad

lontoc55: HUH! andHUH??!

lontoc55: at isang malaking HUH???

singlebliss101: if i heard right he said u knew abt this with that?

singlebliss101: no he said he was gonna propose na raw

singlebliss101: and he told u ata

Can you believe this man??? My jaw must have dropped several times throughout this chat session. Talk about reaching. Well, if he was proposing I must have been somewhere else at that time when that "boing!" moment hit him. I certainly wasn't there. Propose to me for what? To abandon me when I needed him? To hurt me? To be cold and selfish? Jeezez. Looking back, I have no regrets. Thank God I was somewhere else. People who know me know that I don't see the point in carry grudges. I forgive and forget easily. There are no scoreboards. However, its people like this who make things a wee bit harder. My mom would always tell me that there are two types of people in this world: the bad buddhas and the good ones. They both teach you a lesson. No point in feeling bad because of them...be glad that they are both around. You learn a lot either way. A very simple lesson from my chinese mother. Kudos to my buddhas (B)!

The Kwan

2006-11-13T19:59:00.000+08:00

I watched an old flick last night. The title of this blog is a dead give away. That movie never fails to make me cry (Actully, a lot of things make me cry). The movie talked touched on the subject of power, prestige and of course money. There have been lots of books written on the topic of money... how to make it, how to give it away and where to find it. My favorite of them all in the book - Generosity Factor given to me by Mr. Rick Nava. He was born in Hawaii but is Pinoy through and through. I swear he loves our country more that any Pinoy born and bred man I have ever met. Amazing man. He scribbled a note on that book which reads... "to one who was given much-- much is expected in return". Beautiful isn't? Okay so to the Ayalas and Gokongweis out there..heed the call. Give to the poor. Give to me :)

Seriously though, when I used to teach I would ask my students how much money they need. Where would they draw the line between necessity and greed? Can one really stop and say that they have made too much money and its time to give everything they earn afterwards back? I don't know. When I was younger, I had a great plan to put up this boarding school for the less priveldged children and give them real QUALITY education. I also had this promise to God back then and I would always day dream about it. It was me adopting several abandon kids on the streets and taking them home. I told myself that when I had enough money I would make those things happen. Sad to say, I never had enough. Earning money is like a vice. I couldn't seem to stop. Each paycheck, business endeavor, sideline made me want to come up with something more. Just like a bubble, the money making machine in me burst. Right now, I start from scratch. I still have those dreams of helping out society in one way or another. I still get that rush of excitement when I think of coming up with charity events to fund these ideas. We''ll see.. maybe soon I will get everything back and this time with a set limit in mind and a more giving heart I can already share the Kwan around.

Pray for the Dead

2006-11-01T22:39:00.000+08:00

I don't know why we have to set a specific time to honor the dead. Must everyone flock to the cemetery on this one day of the year? Must we cause a disruption in the supply and demand of flowers just because of this holiday? If I died and my family visited me just because of obligation 1 day out of the 365 days available I shall yank their big toe at night as they sleep. It's preposterous. Don't get me wrong though, I am not complaining. I welcome any day that I need not go to work and still get paid. It's just weird that we set a day to remember our departed ones and clean their niches. Have we even showed them that we loved and cared for them when they were still alive? If not then what the hell are we doing adding to the traffic jam in front of the cemetery? Let them visit you instead to have them share how they feel about this whole situation. Save on gas :)

Random Rants

2006-10-21T00:53:00.000+08:00

I declared a strike today and didn't go to work. I simply cracked. There was too much going on and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out momentarily of the rat race. I spent the day with my oldest friend. We ate and ate again. It felt good. By the way, I had my Wendys Burger finally. He had to laugh when he saw my tummy. Even I couldn't figure out whether it was the foood or the baby growing in me that made my tummy stretch. It did me good that just for once I did not need to worry about deadlines, the bengbengklengklengness of my staff, the state of my other preschool, the future of my new business, and my declaration of war with my husband (we are at peace already now though). I was able to breathe.

You know how it is when older people tell you all their hardships back in the old days and see that they have gone a long way? I want to fast forward it already to that part. I had a goal once and that was to retire at 30. I wanted to have enough money for me to help sustain my loved ones, travel, continue teaching and put up my public boarding school for boys. I have 3 more years. Before at 20, I felt I was ahead of the race with two preschools and a great teaching job at a university... now though it feels as if I have fallen behind. I guess at one point or another I have given up and lost sight of my goal having made the choice to stay with the family business. Don't get me wrong. I do not regret it. I just feel that my wings were clipped by my choice. My passion to soar high just died. Now, I am trying to start a new. After my last preschool is sold, I will be moving on. The meter is ticking and time makes it a point to go a little bit more faster when you wish it would do otherwise.

Tomorrow, I will wear my running shoes again and become another person in the workforce. I will face statement of accounts, purchase order, deadlines and reports. My temper will be short and flaring each time my staff makes a mistake. I will leave the office drained and dishelved. The rat race kills. Maybe I should just run for office.

Wendys Does!

2006-10-21T00:50:00.000+08:00

My entry yesterday. No thanks to Pldt's wonderful dsl...

It’s half past 2 in the morning. I am up for two reasons. First, I am craving for a Wendy’s Cheese Mushroom Bacon Burger but they are already closed. Secondly, I feel alone. It is ironic that now that I am married I feel lonelier than ever. It is hard not to have one’s husband with you. It is even harder when you’re pregnant. However, him living with his ex and working with her tops the list. That takes the pain to a whole new level. He keeps saying that that is the way he felt before when I was undecided. So does this make it even? I don’t get his logic. If he was trying to console me by saying it is obviously not helping. Since he left, I have grown two huge zits from the stress of crying and mauling over the situation. It is not I don’t trust him. Trust was never an issue. It is simply of plain jealousy. The thought that he is with her doing the things we are supposed to do together makes the girl one lucky (insert French here). I cannot take it. I hate it when I go through this self-pity stage. Normally, I would just shrug it off and fight the pain with a familiar drug called revenge. This time though, I don’t see the point. Even if I did, it would be pointless since I am already with child. Drinking and dancing my tears away will only bring more problems later on. So what do I do? I do the second best thing women do: Complain, Whine, and Cry and since I am pregnant, crave for food. It’s funny that I crave for Wendy’s, knowing full well that it is already closed and I can’t have it… Just like time with my husband. I feel like throwing up when I know he has to go home to the same place or even worse eat with her. I want the girl to just shrivel up and disappear. I know its unfair, for her only sin is being his ex but an ex is an ex. They are an ex for a reason. I just feel he keeps picking her over me. He already knows how much I despise her and yet they still have a lunch awhile ago together? Please. I know men can be insensitive at times but this is too much. I so want to get even to take away the pain. I feel sick again. This baby isn’t cooperating either. Frustrating. There I am a complete woman… I have complained, whined and cried. Now if only I can figure out what to do about that stupid burger I can finally go to sleep.

The Real Pacman

2006-10-17T22:50:00.000+08:00

Manny Pacquiao. He is running for office. I hear groans from the intellectual public. According to the chismis express he will be running for the position of the next Manila Mayor. Yey! Punch your way in there Pacman. God save us from this technical knock out.

I don't understand the Pinoys facsination for voting for celebrities. Just because the are famous it doesn't mean they are superheroes. They cannot stop graft and corruption. They cannot end poverty, crimes or ignorance. In fact I feel they are the most incompetent politicians of all. Shoot me. Seriously. Its bad enough that our government is greedy and corrupt but to throw in power, fame hungry and incompetent celebrities it becomes one big joke. Are they going to start dancing and singing in the middel of the term like some of the old cheesy pinoy movies?

The object of the game of the Pacman is to eat as much power pellets as you can without getting eaten up by the ghosts. Let's figure out who Pacman really is. You might be surprised to know the ghosts aren't that bad afterall. They keep packman from being greedy.

GAY-O-METER

2006-10-16T18:00:00.000+08:00

Originally, I wanted to make a a list of tell tale signs that says your boyfriend is gay. I also wanted to post a picture of how a gay boyfriend would look like based on my experience of course. I shall skip the picture because I am still a yellow bellied Manilena but on second thought I will still provide you with that checklist. I dont know why I had attacted a number of weird ones. It felt as if fate was playing with my life road and making it cross with only the ones who will make my life so "kwento" worthy after.

# 1 He has higher pitched voice that you

# 2 Watching a Disney Movie (i.e) Nanny McPhee makes him scream (i said scream not shout

note the difference)

#3 He loves your hairdresser/parlor and starts going there

#4 He wears you floral slippers... pretends it was a mistake at first though but gradually they

get stuck to his feet

#5 His own bedroom slippers are pink and fluffy ( Wait! What is he doing having bedroom

slippers in the first place!)

#6 When you go out you dont catch him checking out chicks but battling for the attention of

the men

#7 He compliments other men non-stop and gushes over their appearance even if they are your

ex.

#8 He "loves" your guy friends (wink!wink)

#9 Your gay sniffer friends' alarms go crazy when he is near

#10 ...and just in case you didnt hear them say "stay away!" even your own gyny freaks out

after seeing him and "smelling" him

#11 the swaying of the butt when he walks

#12 Watch the pinky when he hold that glass of water-- they actually go up faster than his

erection when he sees a naked woman

Happy spotting!

Pregnant Schmregnant

2006-10-14T10:33:00.000+08:00

My husband fondly calls me a baby dragon. This is because I have joined this gagfest since we officially found out that were having a baby. Every smell causes me have this feeling of wanting to hurl so much enough to end world hunger but what comes out is nothing but a peuny grunt sound. You know how baby dragons try to breathe out fire but what comes out is just balls of smoke... this was me a few days ago. I wish it stayed that way.

I have been kneeling in front of the toilet so much that I feel I have found a new place of worship. This nausea is killing me. I can't take throwing up. It leaves a terrible after taste in your mouth and a weird feeling in your stomach. The moment I started throwing up after a crazy number of alcholic drinks I vowed never to drink again. This is how much I abhor the feeling. Now, unfortunately it is something I cannot avoid. I apologize for sharing this with you but I must clear this notion of motherhood being all nice and cute. My ex-pregnant friends tells me that this is just the start. Do I want to cry? Tell me does a fish need water????

I have given up coffee as well making me a zombee in the morning. I am in bed by 10 which is weird since I usually sleep after 1 am. I have said my good byes to my world of dancing, movies, and walking aimlessly around the mall. Soon I know I will have to say good bye to my waist as well. It will be awhile since I see it again. It takes me forever to get dresssed because my size 6 clothes no longer fit me... m moving up. If i try to squeeze myself in them I look like a vigan longganisa. Thank God though my skin is better. For some strange reason it looks good (the only thing that looks good right now). If i were flat chested I would also be grateful for my brest doubling in size but I AM NOT! My back aches. Its crazy. I feel trapped in someone elses body.

2006-09-22T17:55:00.000+08:00

At 10:15 am today, I have officially turned 27.

What significant contribution have I made?

I have churned out extremely crazy stories for everyone to hear.

What else would I like to accomplish?

I want to be out of the "... i know him/her" role... I want to be the person you know :P

Birthday wish?

I want to see a falling star

Answers Please

2006-09-20T18:31:00.000+08:00

Every working day I sit on my desk and see this paperweight I bought a long time ago. The steel bar has an inscription on it that read " what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

Months back I would always have an answer to that question in my head. Answers would vary sometimes depending on my mood. It would range from resigning from my job and being a wonderful parasite at home to building my own empire. Today I see the same paperweight. My mind goes blank.

What you you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail...?

My Greatest Fear

2006-09-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

i have three major fears in my life: 1. To die 2. To die and not accomplish anything great and the greatest of them all .. ( drumroll please) 3. Lizards. I had three horrific experiences with these naked creatures and trust me they are enough for me to fear them in my next life and the life after that. I know the saying of there is nothing to fear but fear itself but trust me these creatures are scheming bastards. The first time I tried to fight it and did a stare fest with one of them was when I was in the shower. At that time that coke commercial -- mind over matter was a big hit. I was using that to communicate with the lizard. Of course it simply stared back (without blinking for it didnt have eyelids!) at me with its beady eyes. Then without warning it rushed ( i am not lying!) to the shower curtain. Smart creature i tell you! Now I was trapped. I had no other recourse but to do the worse thing imaginable... Shout for help. My dad was home. He had to break open the bathroom door... and there I was in all naked glory just like the lizard. I don't know who was more embarassed my dad or me at that point. Of course I am sure that that lizard had a blast because it happened again a week after. This time I was smarter though. No more of the these cowboy-lets-see-who-draws-his-gun-out-first.. this time I am a runner! I made sure that the creature was as far away from the shower curtain as possible and made my quick gettaway. This time though I forgot to even grab a towel. Once again, I was a screaming naked mad woman. Now, God has a sense of humor at this point... He made sure my male thesis partner was in the next room ready to welcome me back into a realization of my bengbengklengkleng move. The last encounter however tops the list. Apparently they got smarter.. Charles Darwin's Theory of evolution was right... Hoorah for him. He waited this time ontop of the shower... I opened the valve and the creature grew wings! IT FLEW STRAIGHT AT ME landing on my foot. I swear and I swear to all the lords who ever walked on this earth... it felt like a near death experience. I couldn't even shout. The stupid thing was cold... as cold as its heart for doing that move on me. There it was. I was staring at him on my feet... He was staring back. The water continued to trickle down from the shower the lizard didn't budge nor did I... Guess who won?

To Things That Pay the Rent

2006-09-05T15:35:00.000+08:00

I am back at the office once again. Incessant ringing of the phones enough to drive the most patient of creatures mad. This is my normal life. A 9 till you drop job, missed meals and a number of paper cuts are the things that best describe it. I love it! Truly one does not know the value of what one has until it is gone. Not being able to warm my office chair for the past week has been weird. Now, I purposely do not leave my seat.. not even for lunch. Hahaha. ( Everyboday say.. Hi I am carol.. I am a workaholic). Johann and I already started building our empire... Here is our very first picture:

That is me beaming. I hope things will turn out okay. Johann is 10 times more optimistic than me at this point. Opening date is on October 3. My cash is still stuck in the pre-school. Hopefully I get to finally sell it within this week so I can transfer it to the training center. We even had a feng sui chap come over. Johann and I ended up eating a 8 huge siopaos and a (I SWEAR NO EXAGERATION HERE) huge cauldron of misua (rice noodles). Things we do for the business... forget love. Not even love will make me eat that huge meal again. I felt like I was curing world hunger...i wanted to opt for world peace instead :p

Sprinkle goodluck dust here.. *Schwing* *Schwing*

How I Look Like Everyday (Except Sundays)

2006-09-04T18:47:00.001+08:00

The Limits Of Ones Success

2006-08-13T22:10:00.000+08:00

The answer to the question of what is the limit of success is simple... NONE

I attended a good seminar this weekend. At first I wanted to chop the neck of the one who invited me. I actually didnt want to go back anymore today. The first day was filled with things I already knew and actually taught. The only reason I went back was because the facilitator partnered me with a buddy that was really nice and I didnt want to punish her by letting her dance infront of the class for me being a no show. Anyway, I am glad I did force myself to go. Today was wonderful. I had one Aha moment that struck me the most. I realized that I still carry the hurt of yesterday that I taught didnt affect me anymore. My nose ended up bruised from me trying to hold it closed in order not to cry. I think I need to take to the second level and process it more. However the rest of the topics and activities were continous wake up calls. I was having goosebumps each time. There is a beatiful thing that was in my handout that I just have to type in this blog....

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be

brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking.

So that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within is

It's not just in some of us, it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same

As we our liberated from our own fear

Our presence automatically liberates others.

-NELSON MANDELA-

The Day Pepe Le Pew Grew Up

2006-08-11T23:35:00.000+08:00

Not so long ago someone asked me what Love was. I was pestered for an answer each time the topic would come up. I would shrug it off or simply say that I can't explain it and that it was too complex. One day, we were at the gym and he cornered me once again. This time I gave a lame answer-- the first thing that came into my head...Love is a feeling. It's something that just hits you. How naive was that? A couple of months after that and what felt like a thousand sob stories I learned the true meaning of Love (at least for me). Love is a choice. It is a choice of the head and of the heart. It is more than a spark. It is calm and steady when faced with chaos. It is giving in time of need. It bears witness to your life story and gently embraces it. Love does not give up. Miraculously, it has so much power that when you thought there was nothing else worth living for it holds your hand and pulls you through.

An InterView 10 Years From Now

2006-07-22T16:54:00.000+08:00

An Interview 10 Years from Now...

Got this from one of the million slef-help books I read way back...

WORK

* What income leveldo you want to attain
* What level of responsibility do I seek?
* How much authority do I want or command?
* What prestige to I expect to gain from my work?

HOME

* What kind of standard of living do I want to provide for my family and for myself?
* What kind of house do you want to live in?
* What kind of vacations do I want to take?
* What kind of support do I want to give my children in their early adult years?

SOCIAL

* What kind of friends do I want to have?
* What social group do I want to join in?
* What community leadership positions doI want to hold?
* What worthwhile causes do I want to champion?

UNTILTLED

2006-07-18T17:45:00.000+08:00

She sits quietly by the window. She looks out while flicking her cigarette. Her hands now aged by time. She takes a long drag and blows it out gracefully. The smoke covers her like gossamer. She shakes her head. A million thoughts run through her mind. "You'd think it will be over by this time," she says to herself. A boy shouts from outside the window. Her thoughts stop to wander. "Could it be..?", she quicky grabs her cane and with all the strenght she has left she pushes onto it to stand. Her eyes peer through the broken glass. Her heart pounds....

Ready To Come Home

2006-07-11T15:59:00.000+08:00

When faced with adversity the true nature of man comes out. It tests ones love, character, values and faith. Sweet words drop like dead flies once confronted with the stark reality that people do get sick and that they are not perfect. It is so easy to love when all conditions are right. It is effortless to give the person a hug and tell him or her that you will be with her forever-- no matter what happens. We have all hear the sob stories about people bailing out left and right when the shit hits the fan and the person left behind is left to struggle on their own. Its a painful story to tell. Painful because these are the things that make the wounded callous. It is the same ingredient that creates a lot of monsters in this world...cold and unfeeling ones. Makes you wonder... Who did it to them? People deal with pain in different ways. Some retreat into their caves, some cry it out and they are okay while others take a longer time to heal. I guess I have always been resilient (either that or stupid). I have been able to bounce back and take pain over and over again. My battle scars are deep and plenty. I do not show them but to those close to me they all know the wars I have fought. Why I continue to fight? Because I do not want to end up calloused. I don't want to be cold, unfeeling and unforgiving. There is still some good in the world and I want to be a part of that. In the end it doesn't matter if I lose again and carry another scar. I will smile. All shall be well. I have fought long and hard. I didn't hold back. The battle is close to an end. I hold my sword down. A smile appears on my face. I have fought well. I am done.

And it took the time it took

2006-07-09T21:50:00.000+08:00

I sip my cup of hot milk. The nice cool air hits the nape of my neck. My favorite channel (ftv) blares its music to kill the silence in my room. I am back home. It is not easy to be home though. Once again I have to adjust to sharing space, tolerating nuances, and having my parents hover over me.

I was diagnosed with pneumonia/tubercolosis (the doctor couldn't decide :P) two days ago. I remember a friend telling me that if I didn't do anything about things then fate would have its way and swing it to the direction it was supposed to take it the first place. In this case once again it did. Silenty I am glad it did.

On Tuesday, I will undergo a procedure. For me this will mark the last pain I have to endure. Consider my debts fairly paid. I know from that point onwards it will feel that my soul will be ripped right through me over and over again. I am scared. I will not lie. I am so scared. Somehow though when you know that something needs to happen you will make it happen no matter what the cost. I end this entry with the most famous quote of all... When you know you'll know.

Of Storks and Babies

2006-06-26T11:02:00.000+08:00

This is Arjuna. My Judel's baby boy. I will be posting more pictures of my friend's kids soon. I guess this is my masochistic tendency at work. I often joke about my eggs going rotten lately and how I should just sell it so that it won't go to waste month after month. Each time I say it though a pang of hurt hits me. Maybe if I were more steady and less fussy I would have a family by now. I do not know. It just feels meaningless already. Waking up day after day after day to the humdrums of life...

BEIJING! CHICHING!

2006-05-23T13:50:00.000+08:00

MUMU... the best thing in China!

The Great Wall (i should have been contented with this shot and stayed in the bus....)

Entrance to the Great Wall (...death march....)

I know the title is corny but hey whatever works right?
My writing prowess has been in a slump lately and I need serious inspiration. I am not saying this blog about my trip to China will be (since for people who know me... i have this thing against China -- no offense meant).... I just needed to post the pictures. It was an intersting trip. I learned a lot of history... in between rushing to the front and back of my group's line...assisting the old folks...entertaining the young ones and looking cool, calm and collect infront of the president. This task proved to be hardwork since I ended up napping every chance i got in the bus mouth wide open...GASP! horrible...hahaha... there goes my beauty queen title..whaaa?! poise..elegance...whaddahat?! :)

The one thing that stuck was this Dragon Lady (Empress) who had serious balls and kept China togther without an emperor (he died)... killed the emperors cutsey mistress..hehehe... basically ruled and ran the whole show and she was one damn lady. The guide said that in the palaces usually there is this dragon statue that stays beside it and a phoenix (symbolizing the empress) after the dragon... for the dragon lady she did it the other way around. Talk about penis envy--PEANUTS! ... she was into penis conquering... hehehhee....

Prince Horror Stories # 1

2006-05-18T18:01:00.000+08:00

This blog has been my recluse. From it I retreat into my thoughts and just be. Breathe easy. No one to please but myslelf.

I have moved out of my house for much needed peace. Somehow the chi there is all wrong. Don't get me wrong I love my home but when everyone is there all hell breaks lose. I end up playing an all to familiar drama of victim-victmizer (?). I raise my white flag. Valuing my sanity and my need for quiet moments I decided to leave.

Ironically though, just as soon as one problem leaves another enters the door. The need to adjust once again hounds. Its so stressful. I feel like I have jumped out from the cauldron unto the fire. There are nights when I just want to curl up and someting petty comes up and completely ruins the moment. Its frustrating.

Neverthless, in just a few days of being away from home I have realized a couple of things about myslef. Must say that I am grateful...

#1 I cant stand it when the flat is messy before I sleep.

#2 I hate wet bathroom mats and damp towels.

#3 Taking out the trash and washing dishes are the top two things I dislike doing.

#4 Listening to music while I take a shower is a great drug to cure the morning blues

#5 I don't like scrimping on necessities....

#6 I can survive without cable... as of now hahaha...

UNFINISHED BUSINESS

2006-04-15T15:53:00.000+08:00

I have been full of angst lately. Finally over with my quaterlife crisis, I think I am about to embark on an "I-am-almost-3o" series of panic attacks. Its the same set of questions only this time without the "who am I" dilemma. I look back and see that i have aged and added a few more lines to my face while gravity plays tug of war with every part of my body. Although, I gotten through serious hurldes and my way if thinking is wiser than before there are still a lot of things that remain the same.

My dysfunctional family is still dysfunctional. Every week or so we go through sick dramas designed to test you emotionally and physically. I still have not left the house. I guess I still fear leaving my comfort zone no matter how crazy it is. After all this is the demon i know (as my good friend would put it).

I still have not recovered financially from my post preschool venture. I have carried on this mentality that money will come when I need it. Do not get me wrong it always has. However, this kind of thinking allowed me to keep spending money and forget saving for my "rainy day." I am still also recovering from my wonderful credit card sponsored shopping sprees. After I pay my debts I would have hit ground 0 and at the afe of 27 start all over again. In line with this, I still want to put up a serious cash cow. Hopefully this one will be the ONE giving me the freedom to finally retire early.

I am still stuck in school. My Master's degree has taken long enough to finish. I am very close to the finish line however once again I find myslef struggling to press on.

Single is bliss-- This is the coat of arms my friend carries with her. I dare not follow. Ironically though it keeps grabbing hold of me and like a fly stuck to the fly paper I can't seem to get rid of it. Its a curse! Twice engaged. Never Married. God knows how bad I want to have a child and be a mom. He knows that I would give anything to be a wife. I welcome domestication. I say bring it on... Give me my own family or give me death. Okay, a bit melodramatic but seriously this is one thing that tops my list. This for me gives meaning to the rat race I confine myslef in.

Although bitten by the travel bug, the itch has been ignored. My dreams of travel has been limited to the itineraries and brochures that I have in the office. I have been salivating like a famished lion (in manila zoO! -- you can imagine how hungry those lions are) to get those stamps on my passport.

I have this fear. One day I find out I have some incurable disease and i cant do or finish these things anymore. Maybe thats why I am in a hurry or maybe its because I am turning 27 soon. 27 sounds old. 27 sounds like a lady married to the man she loves and a man that loves her with at least 2 beautiful children, her own place and her own big ass four wheel drive, a filled passport and enough money in her bank account to allow her to retire anytime she wants.

I hate unfinished business. It leaves you hanging and makes you look back. It....

My Saturday

2006-03-25T12:15:00.000+08:00

A beautiful Saturday and i find myself imprisoned at the office. Woke up at 6:30 in the morning. I simply couldn't stop mulling over the bookings and the quotations for the tour groups that I left pending yesterday. My To-Do list was running on and on. One task after another. My brain was wonderful at conjuring up things to wreck havoc on a day that hasn't even begun. Such thoughts are better than my cup of coffee to jolt myself back to the harsh reality -- work on a Saturday. Bummer.

There are countless of things that one could actually do should he not be required to use his mental and physical capacities at the workplace on a god forsaken weekend. For the sake of adding more misery I shall cogitate about it and enumerate them here...

# 1 Stay in bed just for a few more minutes after the rooster crows... (okay fine I don't really wake up at this time.. but still it feels like it)

#2 Get a mani pedi at nail spa together with a quick stop at my favorite salon to get my eyebrows groomed, hair re-conditioned... basically to make sure I look like at least like a human being if not a girl when Monday comes again.

#3 Breathe. Did you know that I have developed this bad habit of holding my breath when stressed. An unconsious (pathetic) attempt to faint I think.

#4 Walk. Walking is a good exercise. Bad for the lungs if you decide to do it in the Metro though... but beats being stuck in a treadmill.

#5 Read... Finally be literate again. Ah... the joys of devouring words. Somehow my speech has been reduced to a No Ma'm and Yes Ma'm since I totally immeresed myself in work.

#6 Travel. GGAADAMWWIT. Must I expound?!

#7 TV. Only if Cable is around. Gta have Cable.

#8 Take up some lesson..laguage..photography..whatever. Just to keep your mind off your must do when Monday comes.

#9 Sleep.. did I say this already? For the sake of emphasis I will leave it here.

#10 Regurgitate your mantra over and over again - whatever it may be for you to be strong when Monday comes.

#11 Reflect. Butts that are stuck to a chair with no peepee breaks because they have two phones stuck to thier ears and are just too damn busy to even look up from their pc need this. This is the part you say " GGAAAAD what have i done to help the human race?" There will only be one answer: You have added more Carbon dioxide in the air. Nothing more and nothing less.

ugly duckling

2006-03-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

There isnt anything much to write about as I do not have my pictures yet from the recent food escapades to load. However I had my pictorials yesterday and did i have fun. It felt good to shed my shabby clothes for a more chic look. The hair that looked as if a bunch of chickens danced on it was slowly comed and straightened and neatly placed in a bun. Man. It felt good to feel that I was a girl once again. The irony. I think for the past few weeks I let myself go. I would just go to the office bare faced and with a look that was just as interesting as a slug asleep.
I am posting pictures here to remember that at least for one day (okay half a day) I was reminded that underneath the baclaran dust..hehhee.. lies a lady ;)

Things To Do

2006-03-07T16:27:00.000+08:00

Add to this :P

Quick Beach Get Away

*** Cocogove or La luz (3 hours away from Manila)

Best Spa Experience

Sanctuario
George Bocobo cor. Nakpil Malate
Tel: 450-1127
www.sanctuario.com.ph

Must Try Quick and Cheap Dinners!

*** Kikufuji (Little Tokyo beside Makati Cinema Square)
*** Amici (Don Bosco)

Must Try Tour

www.celdrantours.blogspot.com

Must Visit Surplus Place

Star Trends Apparel
Tel: 2996061; 2996120
Block 4 Lot 3 Acefree st. Sterling Industrial PArk Mecuyan, Bulacan

Tick This!

2006-03-07T16:19:00.000+08:00

Taking food trips to a higher level...
(My share of places to visit every 3rd of the month)

1. Lolo Dad's
899 Quirino Avenue Corner Leon Guinto St. Malate
Tel:524-2295

2. Tita Moning's
315 San Rafael St. San Miguel District Manila
Tel: 734-2146; 7342141

3. Chef Laudico
6B Recoletos Circle Urdaneta Village, Makati
Tel: 750-1599

4. Lumiere (but this must be for a Sunday brunch!)
Makati Avenue and Ayala Avenue
Tel: 812-2976
MUST TRY: MIMOSA

5. Chef Ed's
HV Dela Costa St.
Tel: 812-0016
MUST TRY: Laing Lumpia, Paella

Overhaul

2006-03-07T16:13:00.000+08:00

I have decided to put all these negativity at rest. No more of ranting. This blog is getting an overhaul! YEHEEY!

I haven't decided yet if i will delete all the past blogs here... we shall see. Eventually anyway the new will outrun the old ;)

The succeding entries will be about (mis) adventures, food trips and other things that are quickly becoming part of my life and giving me a new reason to smile.

Here we go.. new rules...

2006-02-02T01:45:00.000+08:00

Artist: WEEKEND PLAYERS Song: JERICHO Album: PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

i hear your voice callin out to reach me then all is calm and clear i feel no pain when u hold me pull me in and draw me near i see your eyes of hazy blue but oh so clear, sincere and true i taste the air around you and i feel brand new, new, new, new come fill my senses up with you you've turned the jaded into new come fill my senses up with you love would be senseless without you come fill my senses up with you you, you, you, you, you, you

there was a time when love was blind love lost and all at sea love came in dreams and waves came and went away from me all forsaken all forlorn all mistaken feel no scorn and then u pulled me from the darkness and i see things new, new, new, new come fill my senses up with you you've turned the jaded into new come fill my senses up with you love would be senseless without you come fill my senses up with you you, you, you, you, you, you come fill my sense up with you you've turned the jaded into new come fill my senses up with you love would be senseless without you come fill my senses up with you you, you, you, you, you, you come fill my senses up with you you, you, you, you, you, you

2006-02-02T00:53:00.000+08:00

For Love or Stupidity

I have had a long day once again. Tonight as I write in my blog, I pray that tomorrow will be a different day. I do not want to complain anymore. I see the street children and hear serious sob stories and think I would be an ingrate to indulge myself in whining. I know my life isn't as bad as I feel it is. I know that although mental and emotional pain is slowly draining the life out of me, I still find a few reasons to smile. From being surrounded by people who care and love me to a number of physical comforts... to some these things may not be much but right now these are the only things that seems to be holding me together.

Why I put up with it is simple. It is family. No matter how crazy my mom gets or how much I curse, kick and fight at the end of the day once all tears have been shed I know that I will still find myself back at that desk and back in the vicious cycle. For how long? As long as I do not have a family of my own. Right now, I feel responsible to take care of this one because this is where I belong. What about myself? I will be okay. I have always been resilient (or so I like to think). Although now, I really try hard to still continue doing things I love on the side so as not to lose myself unlike before. It is quite overwhelming at times though. It is a constant emotional struggle. Each time getting knocked out cold and for everytime I have fallen I have promised myslef not to put up with it again..and yet I am up and about pressing harder. Insane isn't it? How do I explain that? Either one of the two: Love or Stupidity.

We are all trailblazers when it comes to our life story. I damn hope though that this path won't kill me and be well worth it in the end (and I still be sane enough to enjoy it).

2006-01-20T10:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I had my first day of internship at the out-patient rehab center of my friend. During the group therapy two things struck me the most: 1. That there are certain things that are beyond my control and I have to "Let GO and Let God" so to speak 2. That it isn't my fault thats why my mom turned out the way she did. The faster I let those concepts sink in the quicker I will get well. All this time I have resulted to pleasing my mom just to make sure that I don't rock the boat or act as another stressor. All the while, I have been putting off things I want to do, giving it up or doing it on the side (so as not to lose myself) just to make sure that she will be okay. I lost myself because of this. Now, its harder to move on because it has apparently become all to familiar to me -- it has become a comfort zone. In a twisted way, it has provided me the certainty because the situation is something I know how to handle. The formula is simple.. put myself aside and make sure everything else is okay. Now, if you ask me to venture on something on my own completely and leaving this sick comfort zone behind I will tell you now that I cannot do it just yet. I am afraid. I have somehow grown on some sick log and drawn strenght and nourishment from there. I will though in time. I took my first step when I realized my situation. Afterall in order to eat an elephant whole we have to take it in piece by piece.. a day at a time. Here is to my little truimphs.

2006-01-18T19:23:00.000+08:00

In my futile attempt to trick myself in finishing my counseling paper I have once again resulted to blogging...

MY COUNSELING PHILOSOPHY

My couseling philiospohy as narcissitic as it may sound came from my own life story. It is a result of my ups and downs, my "i dont want yet to die moments" to the "get me out of this mortail coil." Although a free spirit I live with certain shackles and I have learned to deal with it because that's the way it is. My approach is simple. If you don't like it do something about it. If not, then accept it. One cannot keep complaining and writhing in pain forever. At one point, no matter how hard it is, one has to make the step and create that conscious decision on what has to be done... accept or gain the courage to change it.

Human nature is a product of ones genes and the environment. A big part of who they are, their values and beliefs were formed at a very young age. Whether it was a pure acceptance - in line with the values of their parents or guardians or a complete rebellion -- the opposite of what the household upholds -- it came about heavily because of the environment. Eventually though we choose who we want to become. To be able to choose though, one has to be fully aware of who he is right now --his capabilities and beliefs and what he wants to be. The gap is between those points is what we work on. Man therefore gets distressed when they are unclear of that path and cannot have what they want or need.

A fully functioning person is not necessarily a problem free person. However, he is aware of the problem and can come up with a plausible soulution to solve it because of his awareness of himslef. He also has the capacity to know what he wants and create steps to get what he wants. Even if the results are futile he does not falter he continues on either accepting defeat or trying again.

2006-01-18T09:33:00.000+08:00

My stomach is in knots. I don't know what compelled me to actually start blogging again today. I guess writing has always been my therapy. I think I went through hell and back last Friday. My mother has driven me nuts and just for kicks my dad joined the picture. I went from being having a steady flow of income to being unemployed and homeless in a span of 3 days. I am back at home now though. I have my old job back. Although this time I have sent my resumes out and completed my Plan B just in case hell decides to go for another powow. At this point I really want to cry "Uncle!"... Ayayayay.

Everything now is trying to be steady and calm. My parents have swept it under the rug so to speak. This is the reason my stomach is in knots. I don't know when the next wave will hit and how bad it will be the next time.

There are just too many things going on in my mind right now. Add that to my Identity moratorium stage I tell you we have a wonderful concoction for a relapse. Did you know I was supposed to be married in a couple of days? Another thing I am so damn guilty about. I find someone who loves me beyond my wildest imagination and I can't bring myself to just leave everything behind. Perhaps I am masochistic in nature? Ay..there's a possibility.

I find solace in sleep. Recently, my bed has been my best friend. It has warmed me and stayed steady asking nothing while it simply listens to my quiet cries of loneliness and confusion. I feel myself crumbling inside and yet I continue to fight on. However, everyday is a struggle. Everyday I ask myself why I do so... what am I doing this for? At the end of the day I go home to myself. At the end of the day, reality hits -- it is just an empty bed.

2005-10-30T01:19:00.000+08:00

There is nothing in life that is really ours. There is nothing that stays. That uncertainty somehow keeps us on our toes. It pushes us to fight for a cause. It keeps us in check and helps us rationalize when the thing we hold dearly goes away.

I always have been a runner. It didn't take a shrink to figure that out. It took a bottle of beer in an old hangout with a friend to get that fact out in the open. In the first sign of a problem, I pack my bags and run faster than an ostrich. Trouble especially in a relationship almost always leads to an end. An end is not good. I have serious fears on dying and ending things. This is the reason why my projects are always started but never finished. When I see that a moratorium (is that what it is called?) has been passed on something in my life, I walk (okay..run) away. I don't stay around and salvage it. I save my heart and leave.

I always keep a plan B. Knowing the fact that I am a runner explains my definite need for a plan B. I keep my options open. I am a coward. Some people though would think it is a smarter move but I'd call it being a chicken (even though it does include me). I am afraid to seal my own fate. I get naseaus knowing that I have to chose a single path and stick with it. I simply cannot.

I have found myself in so many situations where I had to let go and "live" and I tell you it hurt. It hurt because they didn't last (or simply went wrong) and having given up my plan B I simply had no where to go. When you have given your all and things dont work out you are left alone with your box of kleenex to mourn for your stupidity. I told an ex business partner once that i detested getting hurt. If you get hurt often enough you become callous. In being callous, you fail to immerse yourself in that raw moment. The purity is all gone because you try to add so much for it to be on a "safe enough" dosage to take. Sad but true. Yes one might be missing out on the moment but I look at it as sacking the moment and saving yourself.

It sounds so selfish and cynical but it is true for me. Others may have been luckier in the ride not having to lose things dear to them yet. I have had far too many. I have only one heart really. Its been broken so many times that sometimes it's a struggle to feel that it is still there.

2004-04-13T11:03:00.000+08:00

We have officially called the wedding off. Four long years of waiting amounted an hour of conversation resulting to once again postponing the damn thing. It was between me, my long over due husband, the curry noodles and my fresh lumpia swimming in peanut sauce... At the rate were going I might never be married... ahhh... i hear terence tiu in the background... all his damn lectures and his prophetic friend's words are ringing again. Sometimes I wish the situations were reversed. I wish he was the one working and I was studying. I really do not mind the thought of having to support him. I just don't know how his ego will take that... and the last thing I want to do is hurt him that way. This year is a real winner. My plans are taking unexpected turns :(

2004-03-17T23:41:00.000+08:00

I have been a serious insomniac. I dont think there is any cure but to actually grab that stilnox bottle and chomp down a handful of pills to make me conk out. I have been seriously weighing things. I am worried about the smallest details-- what clothes will I wear tomorrow to the most catstrophic thing that will ever happen.... Fernando Poe winning the election ( and i pray to all the Gods man has ever believed in that he doesnt).... i have been worrying about my sanity -- if i am really sane... if the preschool will reach its quota... if terence tiu will be nice or nasty again tmw (not that it matters)... if I will be able to finish my masters ( at the rate i am going i should be a Phd holder already)... if my eyebags from all this internet addiction will go away... things like that though minute is driving me crazy. It is keeping my brain more alive than the energizer bunny himself. I have been swimming and running in order to help me ease out a bit but to no avail. I am like on praning mode each time I get home or when I find myself alone... Maybe that is it... I have no idea what to do alone... or I simply do not know how to be alone....so many thoughts on one night.

2004-03-12T01:37:00.000+08:00

Another day.... i am still on a stand still. I cannot believe how things are different. I seem to have lost my workaholic rabbit mode. I am going to be seriously broke tomorrow after I pay for my life insurance premiums and invest my very last centavo on a buisness venture I know nothing about -- fish pens. Only God can help me now. Inspite of this, I still refuse to work for the family business. Ay! there is the rub. I am being offered a real job with really good compensation and yet I still choose to work for charity and be a slave to my buisness partner and my preschool. 10 years from now I will know if I made the right decision or not. Then again I may no longer be alive 10 years from now... at least whoever my benificiary for my life insurance then would give my dead body a pat on the back and say I did the right thing.

2004-03-11T01:10:00.000+08:00

In order to prove ones worth one engages in certain challenges or situations wherein he knows he has a chance to excel. In doing so, (assuming the goal is acheived) he feels good about himself and braces himself for the next hurdle he sets himself up for. The taste of success is undeniably sweet and the rush of pride is almost instantenous. Ahhh... he moves up the ladder of Abraham Maslow's heirarchy of needs-- up the Self-Esteem level. But what if he fails? And he has never failed at anything in his life? It is unnerving to even welcome the thought of failure. But like everything on this planet, failure also finds its way to greet you as gentle as a brick dropping on your precious head. I am screaming inside right now. Extremely furious at the events that transpired last saturday over the 3 crowns -- one of which was rightfully mine but was not rightfully delivered... i dare not call out for justice lest i be called bitter. But what do you do when you know that you have been cheated? and that no amount of effort you put in could have borne fruit? The answers elude me right now. In the first place I knew the contest was a big show since they had the winners planned already from the start and yet I chose to pursue it. Alas.. an even bigger question would be What the hell is an educator like me doing in a beauty contest?!! (If my buisness partner saw this I already know what he'd say... I am bengbengklengkleng -- a term we coined for idiots). And an idiot i am really for even pursuing it ( okay this is where the sourgraping and rationalizing part of me kicks in.. defense mechanisms as identified by Freud)... I guess I was in that stage where I needed to prove my worth when it came to the superficial world of make-up and a 36-24-36 standard of measurement.